Mom, I Know You Love Me, But Do You Like Me?

Something very empowering from the Empowered Woman Stephanie Clark a blogger over at Essence.com


Happy Sunday Essence.com Family!

I was compelled to write this post as a prelude to Mother's Day which is less than a month away. Every time I think about this question, "Mom, I know you love me, but do you like me?", it strikes a chord deep in my spirit and takes me back to that poignant moment when these words were spoken from the mouth of my then 12 year-old daughter back in 2002.

This one question changed both my life and my daughter's life forever. It was a reality check for me that perhaps I wasn't as good a mom as I thought. This question has continued to challenge me to work harder to continue to put forth effort to make sure my daughter always feels love by me. My biggest challenge has not been telling her that I love her but expressing my love through my emotions and interactions with her. This was not so easy for me and I couldn't understand eight years ago why it was so difficult for me to hug or kiss on my daughter or just cuddle with her just because. I didn't understand why the simplest expressions of love and care were not a natural part of my being and my mothering. I was truly troubled by my inability to show unconditional love to my daughter. I have always been a loving, caring person to others, so this disconnect with my own daughter was perplexing to me.

Over the past eight years, I have had to learn how to love my daughter on a deeper level. What I mean by this is that I realized that loving my child was not only attributed to how I cared for her physical needs. Yes, I thought working hard to make sure she had a roof over her head, food to eat, clean, new clothes to wear and even some of her wants fulfilled was what mothers did because they love their children. Apparently, that was not enough, which is why she posed this question to me.

I have prayed and sought answers from God to reveal to me my shortcomings as a mother and to show me how to build a stronger, more loving relationship with my daughter. I am so thankful to God for hearing and answering my prayers.

What I later realized is that it is hard to give to others what you never received. My painful exploration took me back to my childhood. It made me reflect and assess my relationship with my own mother growing up and as an adult. First, I love my mom, who is 85 years young, dearly. She is the strongest woman I know and I have so much respect for her. My father died when I was two years old, leaving my mom to raise ten (10) out of their thirteen (13) children on her own as a single mom. And yes, all thirteen of us have the same parents. If you are wondering where I fall in the crowd, I am lucky number 13! I'm the baby of family, yet I have never been the spoiled one. Seriously! LOL! My mom was 42 years old when she gave birth to me.

I also followed in my mom's footsteps to become an entrepreneur. My mom has an incredible story about her life with my father and without my father. Actually, she wrote the forward to my book, "Life As A Single Mom, It Isn't Easy, Or Is It?". You should definitely order a copy to read her story. Visit http://www.projectsinglemoms.com/shopwithpsm/onlinestore.html to order a copy.


Prior to retiring, my mom owned four (4) beauty salons and was a licensed cosmetologist for 35 years. I was raised in the back of her salon. I grew up watching my mom work hard to take care of us. She refused welfare as an option even when they tried to force her to take it. As long as my mom was abled-bodied, she didn't mind working hard. She worked long hours in her beauty salon, so I spent most of my time with my older sisters growing up. There were many similiarities between me and mom. I, too, worked long hours to grow my business and to care for my child and household.

While reflecting back on my childhood, I tried to remember times in my life when I could recall my mom telling me that she loved me or when she hugged me just because. I could not think of a time when I experienced these emotions from my mom. I do understand that my mom was focused on being the breadwinner for our family and keeping everyone out of trouble so I do not fault her in anyway. Even back in a day, it was difficult to create balance between work life and family life, especially if you were a single mom with too many kids to count.

As I discovered the emotional disconnect with my mom as a child and even as an adult, I also realized that I couldn't give my daughter what I never received simply because I didn't know how or just didn't understand the importance of showing unconditional love and affection to my daughter. It all started to make sense to me and I finally stopped feeling like a bad mother.

Recognizing the problem in my relationship with my daughter, I knew the solution would not be easy. I do believe that there is surface love which comes with an understanding that because you are related to someone or have a relationship with someone, loving them is automatic. I also believe in deep, unconditional love which requires more work than surface love. Unconditional love requires you to love on a level where a person not only knows you love them but they feel and experience your love through the emotions and affections you express when you are in their presence. I had never experienced deep, unconditional love as a child and even in my marriage so I didn't know how to give it to my daughter.

Over the past eight years, I have been learning how to love on deeper levels with my daughter, my mom, my siblings and even in my relationship with my loving man. It has not been easy. In some cases, it has felt like learning to walk all over again. My efforts have truly been worth it. The more I learned how to love deeper and unconditionally toward others, I am now receiving unconditional love in return.

God placed it on my heart to share this very personal part of my life with you because there are so many daughters feeling the way my daughter felt. Maybe they haven't asked this question but they have started acting out in other ways to get mom's attention. Moms, please do not ignore them.

As I was learning to become a more loving, affectionate mother to my daughter, I decided that I would work on creating a more loving relationship with my mom and my sisters. During conversations with my mom, I started telling her that I loved her before I ended the call. I could tell that the first few times I said I love you to her, it was a bit uncomfortable for her. I continued to say it to her and then she started telling me she loved me first before we ended our calls. Our expressions of love have become routine and our relationship has grown as a result of our ability to now show unconditional love toward one another.

Through my work with My Daughter's Keeper, Inc., I have worked with hundreds of mothers and daughters dealing with strained, unhealthy relationships. I have worked with mothers who are still dealing with hurt feelings and relationships with their mothers.

I am here to tell my mothers who are experiencing a disconnect with your adolescent daughters and even those adult moms who would like to have stronger, loving relationships with their mothers that IT IS NOT TOO LATE to learn how to love unconditionally instead of on the surface.

It does require work and time, but the end results are so worth your effort to heal and strengthen relationships with your daughters and mothers. This Mother's Day, start loving on a deeper, unconditional level and LET THE HEALING BEGIN!

Continued to be blessed and empowered!

Stephanie